White dresses, messes and guesses...

Lucy is being Christened on Sunday. We are also having a few folks round on the Sat night, mostly Godparents. I fear I may roll into the Christening with a hangover which is just WRONG. So I have low alcohol wine (well, 9%) to sup on. Expensive stuff. Would have been cheaper to dole out nasty champers but just the thought gives me hiccups and a headache.

Lucy has a lovely white dress but her recent teething has been the cause of some 'lower movements' that stain the clothes... I hope she doesn't decide to lay one in this dress, because only a thin layer of tights seperates her nappy from exposure. She also has some windy moments that confirm her Grandad is indeed related to her. They may get picked up by the microphone the Vicar sometimes uses.

Everyone keeps asking what to wear but I honestly don't know. I have never been to a Christening. I have suggested steering clear of jeans but a flowery shirt with lapels, shiny white shoes and brown trousers will be acceptable. Not sure what the men should wear...

Blueberry Blues

I would not recommend feeding Blueberries to a baby....particularly in a white robe.

It stains everything. No matter how careful you may be you will still ponder how the hell Blueberry got on your socks and inside the dog's ear. Try picking Blueberry out of a baby's nose. It doesn't work. So you have to leave it there and in public people think baby has had an accident or worse, been battered. No one would ever suspect a sweet jar of blueberry dessert.

Plus - Blueberries come out like they went in. Horror film, slow - motion horrific when you think a 6 month old can wiggle and jiggle like James Brown as you change the nappy. But even the sweetness of Blueberries will not take the sting out of teething. So far 2 teeth and counting. They are tiny but visible - if she grins against the low winter sun, with head upside down, as I hold her with my finger in her mouth feeling for signs of more...then the BITE. Followed by pure relief that only whisky could give but I dare not try. Needless to say 6 out of 7 nights a screaming Lucy ends up in our bed.

I have a friend who has just let me know she is about 4 months pregnant. She is currently having more than her fair share of morning sickness. I dare not tell her about the Blueberries and teething... not yet.

However the jiggling like Jimmo Brown as you attempt to change a dirty nappy really must be told.

Don't do this at home...

Let me ask you something I hope you don't have to think about too much...

....would you set a firework off up your arse?

Because someone did on bonfire night....

What did he think would happen exactly? His arse is bound to end up in the air or his rung stung (depending on how the rocket was aimed). I am glad I had a little girl. Boys are stupid. I thought this when I was 8 and I think it now. I couldn't sleep at night thinking Lucy was shooting fireworks up her butt.

Lucy's teething is making us all miserable. She didn't sleep a wink last night but I was too tired to dowse her with Calpol so I had her in bed next to me trying to chew her dummy instead of suck it...for FIVE hours. Eventually she got hungry. Eventually I got hungry. Eventually the sun came up and I cursed it. Then we went into town to view some Christmas pics she had taken. Goodness me she is so cute. Sleepness nights...

...bring em on....

THANK GOD

Seems like this is a phrase that is dominant in my life at the moment -

The baby falls out of her swing chair because Momma is too stupid to strap her in. Momma goes for wee, comes back and baby is lying on wood floor dazed but happy. Proud almost. Slight dribble. THANK GOD.

Baby pulls momma's hair which is long and stringy and wraps around baby's finger. Strand of hair nearly cuts off circulation of baby's fingers but momma makes discovery of momma's hair sewn into baby's finger before it is too late... THANK GOD.

Baby is teething. First toothy peg appears. Momma puts finger in baby's mouth. Baby bites down hard. Momma is holding baby's dummy in mouth to stop it from falling on floor. Momma bites down hard. THANK GOD.

Baby is having bath. Baby wiggles likes pole dancer across her bath support (like a sun lounger with cloth). Baby nearly spins head first into bath. Momma regrets pee break at same time. Loo is within grabbing distance of bath. THANK GOD.

Vicar comes round at 8pm after Daddy's long hard day at work to discuss matters Daddy doesn't particularly believe in re Christening. Theological debate ensues. Daddy knows his stuff. Daddy swayed on certain moral issues. THANK GOD (really..)

Momma entertains teething cranky baby tirelessly all day wearing dirty jeans while thinking about dirty beadsheets, towels and washing up. Baby goes to sleep for 7 hours straight. Daddy brings home bottle of wine for Momma. THANK GOD.

Momma reads article in baby mag about baby models. Vain Momma sends off baby's pic to 5 agencies in London. All reply wanting to see baby. Lazy Momma realises she may have to cart baby off all over the town and tube. Agency has pick up drivers. THANK GOD.

Daddy goes AWOL for 30 minutes on way to bonfire night at in-laws across the park. Momma and baby and family wonder where Daddy is. Daddy is cursing the front door lock for freezing. Daddy decides it is time to replace front door. THANK GOD.

Dog pisses all over Momma and Daddy's bed because of fireworks. Local dry cleaners deal with giant duvet very quickly. THANK GOD.

Momma feels sick and tired all the time. Momma pregnant again....

JOKING.

I hope....

...or Daddy has trip to Vet's.