Looks and Books

I sat in the sun today for about 32 seconds but I look like I sat in the sun for 32 hours. I have found a plus point - getting tan when your pregnant is easy. It's probably God's way of ensuring us sun-worshipping idiots don't bake our babies in the womb.

There are other plus points - I have long nails for the first time in my life and my hair is in excellent condition.... But for many, looks go downhill the further on in pregnancy you get. Every inch of you eventually ends up swollen. Spots appear, sometimes in places I'd rather not discuss and I have already touched upon the joys of stretchmarks. In the first few months you have a nice bump that you proudly swing around to anyone that will look. From about 8 months though this perfectly shaped bump turns into a lump, almost a ledge, with a peculiar anvil shape to it. This normally co-incides with a heavy pain constantly threatening to crush your pelvis. And that swing turns into a waddle.

This is when you have had enough.

Of course, there are exceptions to the rule. Some ladies keep their pert little bumps until the day they hatch - but they usually appear on the cover of Hola! and have tummy tucks after their c-sections.

Or maybe it's just me with the anvil shaped gut. Either way the word 'blooming' can only really be used for 2 weeks out of the 40.

I have been reading up on birth and babies and if the advice the books give is to be adhered to, the future looks bleak and sleepless for me. I can't get my dog into a feeding routine or potty train it, never mind a kid. Even my cat sits on my head meowing every morning at six and I give in to her hungry demands. The Contented Little Baby Book would have me hang my head in shame at this lack of discipline.

First Time Parents is a book that states the obvious and tries to illustrate it without an inch of originality. One photo in the Labour and Birth Chapter shows a woman slightly sweaty, giddy with laughter, legs akimbo, fanny out and brand new naked baby in her arms. Behind her is her husband who leans casually against her shoulders winking at the camera and grinning like jerk. Never have I seen a more staged photograph.

I wonder if Tom and 'Kate' have a photo like that in their collection...