A Hot Plan

Someone slap Geri Halliwell.

In fact, no, let me do it.

She was 'rushed' to the Portland and had her baby a few days ago. Apparently she wanted a natural birth at a friend's house but 'due to complications' she had to have it in the Portland. What complications? It hurt? Women are not rushed to the Portland. They are booked weeks in advance when they choose what champagne breakfast they will have and what kind of tummy tuck they want after the planned c-section. She was originally due AFTER me. I no longer feel guilty for wanting to speed up the process - considering my screaming groin.

OK. OK... I want the Portland treatment too. Lucky bastards.

It turns out the midwife sympathises with my groin troubles and looked a little alarmed as I wobbled sumo-style into her office. She wanted to phone the physio then and there but I courageously said I would do it when I got home. When I got home I fell asleep....so the physio is still AWOL. It has been agreed I can't withstand much more of the anvil shaped bump so next week I get a 'sweep ' to encourage labour. I won't go into detail. You'll have to use your imagination. If this doesn't work I will see the consultant with a view to being induced asap. Not overly thrilled about that but I have a plan of my own in the meantime....

I found some hot sauce in the kitchen called 'Smack My Ass and Call Me Sally'. This was acquired by my husband on holiday somewhere and by all accounts it is evil. It has a warning for people with heart conditions not to touch it. It is the sort of sauce that if you get some on your fingers and accidently rub your eye - your eye melts...

So it may blow me and my baby to the moon, but at least we'll finally meet.