Knowledge is power?

My mum is arriving this weekend from the USA. I think we were both hoping the baby would have come before she arrived so we could coo at it and buy clothes. Instead it looks like we will both be mooching around, playing the waiting game, me getting larger and larger and my my mum moaning about the rain and the price of miserable produce. One senario is that the baby arrives just as her flight touches down at Heathrow. My husband will have to make a choice between a cranky and jet-lagged mother in law or the birth of his first child. If this is the case, I think I will be giving birth alone...

For someone who has never been through it, I am very well educated on labour. If you find you go into labour unexpectedly give me a call. I'll sort it. This birthing genius is partly due to watching the freaky horrors the Discovery Channel airs 2 or 3 times a day. Did you know more women go into labour when the moon is full? This is due to the same reason as the pull on tides...women have so much water inside and it pulls in the same way. The next full moon is not for while so mine won't be a moon baby.

The difference between American produced birthing shows and UK produced ones are significant. In the UK pregnancy shows everyone is very calm and the programme gives no warning of disgusting scenes - giant heads appearing to poke out of butts, fainting women or abnormal birth defects like large eyeballs, growths on the buttcheek, one hand bigger than the other Jeremy Beadle style....

The US shows always have dramatic music and slow motion even if the only problem is the labouring woman is screaming for a glass of water. They always give a warning at the beginning suggesting you are settling down to watch the Texas Chainsaw Massacre rather than new life come into the world. The women in the US shows always cry and look so happy to see their baby. In the UK shows they appear annoyed and look like they want a pint.

I'm starting to develop fantasies about giving birth in Tesco. The baby just gently slips out in the milk aisle to applause from fellow customers and in return for the local publicity Tesco give me a year's supply of chocolate cake.

I need to get a life.