This must be what 80 feels like

Picture the famous scene in Star Wars where Jabba the Hut is draped on his throne surrounded by his minions.

That is me.

But the throne is actually a sofa and the minions are my dog and cat. And there is no sign of a bikini clad Princess. No sign of a bikini anywhere, ever again.

Movement is difficult now. Between crazy falls and giant bellies my groin can't support the strain. I walk like an 80 year old and stand like a sumo. Induction is on my list of questions for the midwife - who will probably tell me to be patient and have a curry, let nature take its course.

No. No more.

Nature has taken its course and given me slasher stretch marks, a butt like a space hopper, a gut like Santa, a scary comedy style fall, swollen limbs, a windy peanut sized stomach and an AWOL physio. If I go on for a further 4 weeks, which is possible if the baby is hideously late, I will be in a wheelchair. Channel 5 may do a documentary just about me.

"The 50 Stone Pregnant Woman "

It's time. It really is.